Staying Single

I really don’t have much of a desire to date or find someone to marry. It isn’t that I don’t feel lonely at times. 

I have a male cousin and a couple of male friends that frequently ask me if I have any single friends available. I wonder if it is more difficult for men to be single than women. 

I have a single female friend and she feels the same as I do. She doesn’t have any desire to be married again either. We love our single life. We love having our own house, life, freedom to do our own thing when we want, how we want, etc. 

Maybe it’s because even in today’s age, men still do what they want while women give up their freedom. Men choose how much they want to “help out” or be agreeable, but it’s the woman that ends up with all the chores if he doesn’t help. It’s the woman that ends up having to debate every damn decision if he doesn’t agree. It’s the woman that has to give up her independence if he doesn’t like it. 

Not to disparage all men. I’m really not trying to do that. However, the older I get the more I’ve noticed that men really are the clingy ones. Maybe young women are clingy because they are trying to get some boy to like them and they can’t get his attention, or keep it. So they are insecure and trying to keep some boy with a poor attention span and a fickle libido. But as we age, it completely switches. Women just don’t need to hold on so tight and happy to have some freedom to pursue independent interests.  They get more confident.  I know I am.  But suddenly it’s the men that want every minute of your attention. 

I don’t know if it’s the hormonal, menopausal thing but I’m not even as cuddly as I used to be. I suppose I sound cold or something. I’m good with being close, touching and stuff; and even some nice sex on occasion. I just don’t get into the adolescent pawing and groping as much anymore. Give me some space! I only want the cat, dog or my granddaughter all over me like that; but at fifty plus it just seems silly for a grown man being so clingy. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I’m in serious chronic pain 95% of the time. So it’s probably me. 

The concept of me staying single is very likely not such a bad idea in my case. Do I need at least a part time relationship? It would be nice. I could live without it if I have to. I don’t know what to do for sure. It may not entirely be my choice I suppose.  It would be nice to find someone that wanted the same thing. We like each other but we also want our own space and to be our own person. I wonder if that is possible.  If not, I will likely choose to remain alone.
  

The Older I Get The Better I Am At Being Alone

I have hated being alone for most of my life. As a kid I spent more time in books than anywhere else.  I don't know which came first; the lonely or the books.  I don't know if I hid in books because I was lonely; or I was lonely because I hid in books.  I read at a very young age so as long as I can remember that's where I found comfort from the loneliness.

When I was young I stayed at my Grandmother's before and after school and wasn't allowed to go to other kids' houses to play; so reading was my entertainment.  My grandfather was home from work shortly after I was home from school so television was his choice.  I did my homework and then read. 

I moved and went to 7 different schools through grade/high school.  I spent a fair share of time having to start over and spent plenty of time alone in the meantime.  So despite hating being alone; I sure ended up doing it plenty.  

Then I spent several years working as a contractor which means you are the new person; not one of the gang, the outsider over and over again.  More often than not, you find yourself alone at lunch, no one to hang out with at the picnic, Christmas party, etc.  

Oddly, for someone that was so accustomed to being alone I couldn't sit in a restaurant alone.  I would go through a drive thru and eat in my car.  If I was close enough to home I would go home for lunch.  If I was invited to an event I wouldn't go if I had to walk in alone. 

I was married, and divorced.  Raised five kids nearly alone.  My house was never empty for many years.  When my last two (twins) left for college I thought the quiet at first would drive me crazy again.  I cried for the first few months.  

Then I reclaimed my house.  Cleaned out the clutter.  Actually I've moved twice since then so its not even the same house.  Here I am now, on the other end of my life; alone.

It's been almost four years.  One of the girls lives here now.  She works a lot; and comes and goes.  I'm alone quite a bit, though. I love my quiet time.  I love the time by myself.  I do love when the kids all come and visit and have fun together.  I also love going to visit them.  I love being able to just relax and enjoy them.  However, I also love my own time.  I can go places alone now and I enjoy it.  I don't even want a "man" anymore.  I like not having to debate with a man about everything I do.  I love the independence.  I love the freedom.   I'm finally comfortable with myself.  





 


 

On Being A Lone Wolf

The concept of being a Lone Wolf can be construed a number of ways and probably disputed depending on how someone interprets it.  The common definition is a person or animal that stays isolated and generally lives or spends time alone. 

A wolf is a pack animal by nature.  So a Lone Wolf goes against the natural instinct of the animal.  I feel this is significant.  No matter how a person winds up being a lone wolf; I think its pertinent to realize that it is an unnatural state.  Even if they seem happy or content to be a lone wolf; the lack of interaction isn't natural.  Often it happens because a person isn't good at interacting with people so they simply resign themselves to the isolation.  

There's a number of reasons I am a lone wolf.  While I do alright with social interaction; I struggle with the organizational relationships.  I do not like when they resort to unethical practices to manipulate what they want.  I have no patience for hypocrisy and behind the scenes scheming.  So I wind up leaving them when I discover those practices.  They range from religious to social clubs.  

I also suffer chronic illness which has me on disability which frequently isolates me. I often can not go out when people want me to.  I end up canceling plans often. It's hit and miss making plans with me.  One of my ailments is Lupus - which is Latin for "the wolf".  

I ride a motorcycle; when I am up for it.  I once belonged to the HOG chapter in my area for several years.  Until HD came up with some strange rules about the leaders being financially liable for other riders if they crashed during a ride.  If someone does something stupid during a ride I'm not going to be liable!!  It should be based on a fair investigation.  So again, I left another organization.  I replaced my HOG patches with a Lone Wolf that actually says Lone Wolf - No Club on it.  

All these things have come together to define this Lone Wolf.  I am not entirely isolated of course.  I have a small circle of great friends; and a very close knit family.  I'm never lonely.  I have 2 big dogs that sleep with me at night.  So I never feel alone or lonely.
I wouldn't mind some help unpacking the last of my boxes though.  ha ha ha...  I doubt that's going to materialize..